Why Putting Myself First Isn’t Selfish.

My Personal, Mostly Messy Experience to Reframe Self-Care

For most of my life, I believed being “selfish” was something to avoid at all costs. I grew up thinking that setting boundaries, stepping back from draining situations or people, or even saying no after a massive week was indulgent—maybe even wrong. If I chose not to do the “right” thing or refused to be the bigger person, I’d find myself questioning: Who do I think I am? What will others think?

I remember thinking that meditating, especially twice a day, was a luxury reserved for people without real responsibilities. When I distanced myself from someone who’d caused years of pain, guilt convinced me I was in the wrong. Even just saying no to social invitations left me feeling like I was letting others down, rather than honouring my own needs.

Everything shifted during a recent conversation with my supervisor. We spoke about the weight of boundaries and the tangled guilt attached to choosing myself. She asked me, “Nic, what if we reframed selfishness? What if being ‘selfish’ was actually putting your ‘self first’—a way to check in and make sure you are truly prioritising your health, wellbeing, and mind-body connection before committing to something that doesn’t keep you safe?”

Her words landed in my body like a lightbulb moment. Instantly, resistance bubbled up—aren’t I supposed to be the one who always shows up, always says yes, who takes responsibility even when it isn’t my fault? Who do I think I am to put myself first? “Madam Muck”—a name I was often called as a child—came running back to me like an old record on repeat.

But the truth is, putting myself first isn’t selfish. It’s self-respect.

I’ve learned—sometimes painfully, actually mostly painfully—that self-care is about more than spa days (even though I love a good spa day) and green smoothies (I don’t actually drink these). It’s about the messy, vulnerable moments when saying no feels terrifying. It’s the discipline to meditate each day, the courage to step away from toxic relationships, and the wisdom to honour my own exhaustion. These choices haven’t been easy. Yet, as I allow myself to normalise “self-first” care, I’m discovering a deeper compassion for myself and, surprisingly, a more genuine presence for those I care about.